Review - NEW GIRL 1.23: 'Backslide'

Jess and Nick backslide into comfortable mistakes while Cece and Schmidt try to avoid hurting his member.

Plot
When people get lonely and desperate they revert to that which once made sense, trying to extract newness from a worn-out passion. And so the emotional nuclear holocaust that is Nick finds himself back with his very own atomic bomb, Caroline.

Jess, having just ended things with Russel, finds solace in the arms and penis of Paul, the creepy crier. But when she finds out that he has a girlfriend, she finds the courage to try to ruin his life with the truth. But then proposes to her for him and they live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt end up in an old-folks home to help his injured pine-cone from being rustled by the wind. Somehow this makes Cece feel romantic enough to tell Schmidt she wants to be his one and only forever and ever... or something.

It is interesting how quickly Cece and Schmidt have become the cute and stable relationship of the show. It is no shocker that Nick and Caroline find themselves back together, though Nick's decision to move in with her, even after watching a DVD of himself reminding him why she is the worst thing for him, feels a lot like one of those things that will get pulled back either in the finale or quickly in season 2.

Winston continues to be mostly pointless. Bring back Coach.

Quotables

Cece: Is emotional intimacy turning you on?!
Schmidt: Ohhhhhhhaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Nick from the Past: You wanna be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored skateboarder?

Rating
If I had to rate this one, and Schmidt's peppy icepack says I do, then I'd give it:

81 out of 100

Schmidt's erection issue scores this one higher than it deserves. Mostly because I feel his pain. Plus, I loved Nick's video to himself. The Jess and Paul story line wasn't all that interesting, and Winston was in this episode. Coach got two mentions and that bumped this up a point or two. Maybe the show he is on will get cancelled and they can finally have Winston make it into the NBA so Coach can come back and rule this show once again.

Read More

Review - NEW GIRL 1.22: 'Tomatoes'

Jess worries that she and Russel don't share the same passion as he did with his ex-wife.

Plot
Nick's early onset of midlife crisis rears its ugly head when he sees that the rest of his friends are seemingly growing up and living the kind of life he once thought he would have. As a coping mechanism, and in an attempt to break out of the habits that have resulted in his stunted development, he starts a tomato farm on the roof of his building. When Winston tries to talk to him about this sudden change, and after a brief spat, Nick admits that he misses his best friend of shared misery. Winston tells his friend that failing doesn't mean you give up. Nick needs to check back into his life, dump the loser, and have more faith in his ability to win again.

Cece, who is still hiding her true feelings for her lover, makes a knee-jerk decision to pull the plug on their relationship due to the pregnancy scare. Schmidt tries to play it cool and quickly accepts a date with her Russian model roommate, Nadia. Despite Jess' encouragement to admit her feelings, Cece maintains the illusion of disconnect for Schmidt even as a storm of love and lust rages within. But when she finds out that Schmidt's date ended suddenly and in a hospital stay, she rushes to his side and, in easily the most romantic moment so far on the show, confesses to the iced-penis bed-ridden Schmidt that she likes him. Unfortunately, this stirs his injured member to life and causes him such severe pain that Cece has to rush out to save him from further agony.

When a dinner with Russel and his ex-wife reveals a passion between the two that intimidates Jess, she attempts to push his buttons to create the same kind of spark. Unfortunately for her, Russel is a man who has experienced the things she still dreams about and has accepted that wild passion isn't something he needs in his life. Jess is still idealistic about love and sober truth isn't something she's looking to hear, and ends their relationship.

When a newly single Jess arrives at home, she finds a barely dressed Caroline in Nick's room. Nick and Jess then argue about their life choices and the passion between them is so potent that nothing happens because this is TV, ladies and gentlemen, and the writers just want to implant the thought in your heads that these two should be together but they won't be because then you'd stop watching.

Quotables
When Schmidt goes over to Cece's apartment, Nadia answers the door.
Nadia: Cece! Da Jewish is here to make sex!

Nadia: I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on.

Nadia: I like his face. I want to punch, punch, punch!

When Cece ends the relationship with Schmidt, Nadia jumps right in and offers up a sex date.
Nadia: I make him put on black shawl. Pretend he's grandma.

At dinner, Nadia tosses out many things she likes about America. Including...
Nadia: Ice skating for fun, not to save life.

Nadia: Why don't you get in your spaceship like McMouse?

Schmidt: Are you saying Mickey Mouse?!
Nadia: Yes.
Schmidt: In America, honey, okay, Mickey Mouse is earthbound.
Nadia: Lets do sex party. I sex you in face.
Schmidt: You're gonna sex me in my face?

When Cece comes home, Nadia tells her that Schmidt is in the hospital.
Cece: The hospital? Is he okay?!
Nadia: I don't know. I leave him there. I go make bowling.
Cece: Nadia! Like honestly, what did you do to him?!
Nadia: He cry and cry. (chuckling) It was so funny.

When Cece and Schmidt make up in the hospital, he becomes aroused and writhes around in pain.
Schmidt: Oh my god, my penis is having a heart-attack.

Schmidt: Don't bend over! For crying out-loud, what are you, nuts?!

Schmidt: Call a nurse. Call a male nurse. Probably a heavyset male nurse would be nice. De... describe it to them as like a, as a battered highway cone.

Rating
If I had to rate this episode, and Jess' squat-thoughts make me feel like I do, then I'd give it:

88 out of 100

It was a fairly good episode with some memorable moments and bits of dialogue. Though I didn't talk about her much in the review, but quoted her like crazy, Nadia made me laugh every time she said anything. Her accent and her lunatic mentality, or was that a lack of a thought filter, were very entertaining.

Read More

Review - NEW GIRL 1.21: 'Kids'

Jess baby-sits Russell's daughter and meets his ex-wife; Schmidt and Cece have a pregnancy scare; Nick's girlfriend may be too young for... and that's all my DVR info thingy would tell me so I imagine the next words were "riding the ferris wheel."

PLOT
Cece thinks she may be preggers with Schmidt's douche-spawn, but has to wait to take the pregnancy test. Schmidt worries that Cece is becoming a girl and wants to be his one and only (the horror), or at least I think that's what is going on but there were like 12 seconds where I got distracted. Yet he asks her out on a real date but she turns him down telling him he should ask someone else. Clearly these two are enjoying that whole duality of man thing.

Jess has to baby-sit Russell's daughter, Sarah, and meet his ex-wife in the process, but you already knew that. What you didn't know is that Sarah gets all crushy on Nick. Then freaks out and locks herself up in his room. No worries, she comes out to reveal her baby bump, so it is all good.

Winston? Something about his boss. And Nick has a girlfriend who is all kinds of intellectual and cool.

When Schmidt finds out that Cece may be pregnant, he is strangely excited about the whole thing, while she is horrified by his reaction. But he says all the right things and brings out her happy-face.

Who is not enjoying the happy-face you ask? Sarah, when the gang has a meal together, stares down Nick's girlfriend. But the two soon realize they know each other from back in the school bus days. And that is when Nick finds out his super mature girlfriend is only 18. Now, on this show he has to pretend that's a bad thing but any dude in the real world would be happy about that because it would mean she wouldn't start getting old and losing her looks for another 3 years!

I may have gone a little too guy-honest with that last sentence.

In the end, Sarah gets over Nick; Cece gets her period; and Schmidt nearly has a "Marry Me" skywriting scare. Winston? No one cares.

QUOTABLES

Jess: Like, you're using birth control, right?
Cece: Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.
Jess: I didn't wanna know that.

Schmidt: They say that I needed a Magnum sized diaper.

Sarah: Why do you have so many bras? You're a teacher.
Jess: Teachers need bras too.

Jess tells Sarah she can ask her anything.
Sarah: Do you and my dad ever 'dry lump?'
Jess: Gyaaaahhh...
Sarah: Is sexting cool?
Jess: What? No. It's not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a '99?'
Jess: I think that's a tax form.
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone 'plow chops?'
Jess: I don't know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person 'animal style?'
Jess: Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?

Sarah: Oh my god! Oh my god! I love Nick so, so, so much! He's so hot!
Jess: That Nick?
Sarah: I wanna rub my face on his face!

When Nick's girlfriend goes to get dessert, Nick gloats.
Nick: See? Thoughtful and mature. In your face! Yes!
Jess: Congratulations. You're dating a girl with basic table manners. You win, why don't you get on her healthcare plan?

Nick: I'm 30-years old and I've peed in every pool I've been into. Every single one.

RATING

If I had to rate this episode, and Schmidt's phantom zygote thinks I should, I'd give it:

80 out of 100

It was a little bit wild and fun at times but didn't really thrill me like some others have this season. Still, enjoyable enough to be watched. Though, suddenly, the whole Schmidt and Cece relationship is starting to show the usual network TV wear, when the writers start trying to amp up the romance drama. Sigh... I was enjoying their tons-of-sex life with a tiny mix of future romance potential.

Read More

Review - NEW GIRL 1.20: 'Normal'

Oh wow, I am actually reviewing an episode of this show again! Aren't you excited?

Yes, I have skipped a few weeks but not because I don't enjoy the show anymore, I just wasn't in the mood to write about it. There are some shows I love that I simply don't enjoy writing about and NEW GIRL is sometimes one of those shows. But today I am feeling frisky so I will tackle it a tad. Though, this isn't going to be some epic COMMUNITY review where I proclaim it the greatest show of all time and meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow (Badger!).

Since last I wrote about this show, Jess is dating an old guy. Schmidt and Cece are openly banging. Winston is still whipped. Nick has been four-timing 20-year old girls (my man!).

As the episode begins, Jess has been away with her grampaboyfriend, who is loaded with cash in the pockets, and yes I changed the font on the site since I know you are dying to ask. That's not in the episode but it just crossed my mind as I was writing that previous sentence.

So, Jess comes home to the boys all fresh and sexed, or so I imagine.

Jess: I have so much to tell you! I spent the whole week with rich people! I finally tried port.
Nick: Were you gone last week? Is that why it was so quiet?
Jess: I feel like I haven't seen you guys in so long. You all look so handsome. So grown up.
Winston: Thank you.
Jess: Hey, Nick. Finally notice the 1/8th Cherokee. Winston, that's almost a mustache.
Winston: Yeah. It's creepy and thin, just like I like it.
Schmidt: How was your sexcation with Russel?
Jess: I did have a lot of sex, thank you.

Jess decides to invite Russel to spend the weekend at her apartment but worries about how the boys will behave. Then we get some goofy scenarios acted out. The guys say they can behave around her geriatric-man-whore.

Meanwhile, Winston goes for a job interview and is assaulted by some abrasive douchebags but he takes the offer when he sees Kareem Abdul-Jabbar works there. However, his hero passes him a note that says:

Get out now! Run! You will die here!

When Russel comes over for his stay, the boys are definitely acting weird. Nick's crazy man-crush on Russel has him looking love-sick around him, while Schmidt barks angrily at Jess' humpdoll about sushi. Winston shows up whining about his shitty boss. And then the garbage disposal thingy, or something, goes kookoo for the Coco Puffs and suddenly the show is channeling the Keystone Cops.

The gang then decides to play a drinking game called True American with a series of rules that Russel is bound to not remember. Hell, I thought about writing them down but fuck that. Let's just say that the end result is alcoholism. The winner is somehow determined when Schmidt leaves to go bang Cece.

Drunk Russel then gives sage advice to Winston about how to deal with his boss.

Russel: Here's what you do. Your boss is power-playing you. So, you need to power-play him back. Dip your boys in his shake!
Jess: (with Nick laughing next to her) What?!
Russel: Yeah, that's what you gotta do. Your testicles, dip 'em in, ring 'em out, dip it again and give him the shake.

When Jess realizes that Russel is more interested in hanging with the boys than with her (yeah, that's because dudes rule!) she sulks away to her bedroom. In the morning, she seeks advice from Cece since this is the first time Russel has made her angry. They talk about fighting being healthy or some shit.

Later, Nick talks to Schmidt about an invention that looks like a Swiss Army phone, called Real Apps, but they disagree on design.

Schmidt: Look at this. There's no brushed steel. No nickel. I mean, it's got none of the ball and metals. I mean, come on, man. I'm not gonna get Winklevoss'd because of your sloppiness.
Nick: What you mean 'I'? Real Apps is my idea! You just came up with the name.
Schmidt: Yeah, and the name is the game, friendo!

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a Slippery Germ Brick?
Nick: Yeah, actually I might.
Schmidt: That's why they call it basketball and not peach-basket-catch-it-up!
Nick: (impressed) You just came up with that?!

At Winston's job, his boss, who is some kind of radio DJ, mocks Winston on-air. Winston's mind begins plotting. At the apartment, Jess and Russel's first-fight is interrupted by Nick and Schmidt's business proposal. Russel, though very hung-over, points out that Real Apps sounds like "relapse." Nick then stabs Russel in the hand with the extremely dangerous prototype. Russel pussies out and runs home because he is a massive cry-baby.

Winston gets punk'd by a little kid and then tells his douche boss that he dropped his baby-maker-pouch in tasty drinks. Bossman thinks it is funny and suggest they do it to Kareem. Finally, Jess and Russel conclude their argument with Spice Girls and potential sex.

If I had to rate this episode, and the lawyers say I do, I'd give it:

78 out of 100

It was okay. Nothing spectacular. I probably should have written about last week's episode since I liked that one more. Oh well. Live and then die alone. Or snuggled up with the one you love. Why are you judging me?!

Read More

Review NEW GIRL 1.16: 'Control'

In this episode, Schmidt and Cece's relationship continues its ninja ways. Jess finds furniture. Nick owes Winston money. Winston drinks. Schmidt strikes. More after the next sentence.

After another sexual rendezvous, Cece drops Schmidt off a solar system or two away from his apartment so as to not be seen with him. Schmidt isn't too happy about this.

Schmidt: Okay look, I'm fine with you not telling anybody about us. But you cannot just call me at any time and just summon me for intercourse. I have no control here and I'm stressed out all day long. It's like you're ripping the side-block out of my mental Jenga. I'm totally falling apart.

Back at the apartment, Jess has found a hutch thingy on the street and proudly shows it off to Schmidt, who is not happy about this either.

Schmidt: Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Apparently Schmidt has been given authority over the apartment by the other guys because he does all the cleaning. Jess wants to have more control over what she brings into the place and makes some executive decisions by bringing in more off-the-street gear that drives Schmidt insane. When she further challenges his authority, Schmidt smashes her hutch with a shove.

In an attempt to deprogram Schmidt's mental disorders, Jess tries to change his scenery and introduce him to the world at large. Though he resists at first, eventually he is won over by dancing hippie girls.

Out in the wilderness, Winston confronts Nick about the poker game money he owes him. This eventually turns a bit ugly as the two begin to itemize what the other may owe throughout the entirety of their friendship.

When Jess and Schmidt return from their adventures, and to the horror of Nick and Winston, the Schmidtster has learned to stop himself from cleaning up everyone's mess. The dudes warn Jess that she has messed with the ecosystem and will regret it but she's idiotically happy about her success.

No surprise, having a more enlightened bongo playing Schmidt makes living conditions in the apartment third-world messy. With no one to clean up the place, things have gone to hell. They further go to hell when Nick and Winston get into a slap fight at the super market over their money issues.

In the end, the group talks Schmidt into abandoning his enlightened state because they need the old him.

Nick: Look, Schmidt, if you come back to us, I'll let you clean my room.
Schmidt: (shocked) The white whale?
Nick: Think about how many dust bunnies are in my bed. How many stray socks.

A paid of Calvin Klein's eventually turn him back to the dark side. And as the episode ends, Cece shows up for some sex.

If I had to rate this episode, I'd give it:

70 out of 100

Meh. All the good stuff was right up front and the last scene. Clearly this show just needs to become the Schmidt and Cece half-hour.

Read More

Review - NEW GIRL 1.15: 'Injured'

Jess and friends are back in an episode that was written about me. Clearly. Since I refuse to go to doctors no matter what. Even though I've probably had 12 heart attacks in the last month. I'll just soldier through it. No worries.

I do sometimes worry about that burning sensation in my... but that's not important right now.

So Nick gets injured in a friendly game of American football when Jess decides that tackling the dude without the ball is part of the rules (or because she's horny and he's single).

Jess: Are you sure you're okay? You're walking like a Disney witch. Let me drive you to your doctor.
Nick: I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance.

After trying to escape his friends' concerns, Nick crashes his car into Winston's already beat-up piece of shit likely improving the value of the vehicle. Jess insists that Nick go with her to see her friend, a doctor, and he obliges, but at her office he discovers a problem.

Nick: Jess, is Sadie a gynecologist?
Jess: No, she's an OBGYN.
Nick: Ohh! I'm gonna go.
Jess: Different thing.

Nick tries to leave, because he isn't in a possession of something the ladies call a vagina, but is in too much pain and totally broke, and is forced to accept the probing.

In Winston's world, a mechanic tells him that his busted ass vehicle is kaput. He isn't happy about it since it has sentimental boobies value. Schmidt tries to be reasonable.

Schmidt: It's time for you to buy a new car.
Winston: You buy a new car!
Schmidt: I bought a new car. It's what you borrow every morning when this one makes the weird sound.

Back at the doctor's office, Sadie diagnoses Nick with a bruised spine... wait, no she DOESN'T diagnose him with a bruised spine. She also DOESN'T give him pills for the pain and DOESN'T tell him to take them, since she isn't officially caring for him as a patient.

Sadie: Please don't take those pills.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Don't take those pilllls.
Jess: Take the pills.
Sadie: Nobody prescribed them, why would you take them?
Jess: Take them. Take them.

The confused Nick gives in to the pain and takes the pills.

Sadie: Those are designed for severe menstrual cramps so they should cure your baby back ache.

Sadie somehow notices a growth in Nick's throat or something depressing and tells him she wants to do tests. Nick's obviously going to die... like me... and all those... never mind.

When Nick makes up excuses for not going for an ultrasound, Jess tells the boys about the growth and they try to guilt him into having it checked out. That doesn't work so well, so they all cry. Eventually, as the menstrual cramp pills kick into effect, Nick gets a bit drunky about the whole thing and starts contemplating his funeral and demands Jess not speak at it because of her goofy ways.

Nick: You can go to my funeral, but you can't talk!
Jess: Why?
Nick: My funeral is my time to shine! I want the girls to think 'I wish I'd brought Nick Miller to orgasm.' And I want the guys to think 'I wish I'd bought him more stuff.' And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks. You don't, you don't know how to be real. I can't have you trying to cheer people up.
Jess: I know how to be real.
Nick: Question. Am I wearing a hat?

Later, as the gang makes up a song and rap about Nick, Jess decides to now suddenly be all realzies and kill the happy buzz going by pointing out that Nick has never done or finished anything he wanted to do. Nick confesses his soul.

Nick: Like I'm the, I'm the guy that if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something. Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it. I don't do it. Like if everybody got into the ocean and jumped into the water, well I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

Jess decides Nick will jump into the ice-cold ocean early in the morning. As he runs off, Schmidt realizes his best friend's penis is about to be revealed and runs after him. But once Nick spends a few seconds in the water, the ordeal of the day hits him and he freaks out. We then learn that Cece's dad died when she was 12; that Schmidt had a human-sized cat; and that Nick likes Jess a lot. The gang then sleeps on the beach.

Upon seeing daylight and sobering up some, Nick decides to go for the ultrasound.

At the doctor's office, he is asked for his insurance.

Nick: Oh, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually. It's a mixture of, uhh, paper money and change. I do have a check that is post-dated. There's a 60/40 shot that's gonna clear. I hope that's good.

In the end, Nick just has a cyst and his friends pay for his checkup. Winston says goodbye to his motor-vehicle.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

81 out of 100

It had a sort of bummer CHUCK episode vibe to it. I liked it but also didn't feel it had any big moments. Mostly just a few that never reached greatness. I wonder if the writers plan on taking any big dramatic risks with the show. I guess with the ratings high, they have no reason to do anything like that. Thankfully, I'm still digging the characters, dialogue, and show in general.

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.14 - 'Bully'

This week's episode is going to be one of the easiest to review because I found it to be mostly a massive, stinky, spoiled batch of tuna fish salad!

Fuck me! Now I want a tuna melt!

I think every time I curse, I lose a reader. Or an angel gets her wings. Fly free little angel! You fuckin' whore.

Ding! Another angel gets her wings!

Alright, enough digressing.

So there is a bully in Jess' class and she tries to make things better with a song but instead makes things worse. It eventually ends with another song. And with that, I'm done with recapping that story line!

Winston was once a bully who had a catchphrase, "Brown lightning!" And now I'm done with recapping that story line!

Nick and Julia break up because I guess one of those actors had to go do another project. This show will likely continue doing this for the next five years so get used to it. Lots of characters will enter the picture as someone's significant other, only to suddenly break up with them for some reason that makes little sense.

However, Schmidt and Cece's romance continues because it is pretty funny. And kind of cute as well.

Cece is confused by her attraction to Schmidt and the inescapable draw he has on her that keeps bringing her back to give him sexy time. Schmidt just wants to be able to tell someone they are having sex and by the end of the episode he gets that chance, as the two go out together in public, for breakfast, to a place where no one could possibly know them, and she allows him to express the nature of their relationship to the diners.

This is one of those TV relationships that makes no sense and probably wouldn't happen in the really realz world, but somehow works in a fictional setting and actually makes the audience root for them. I like them together. Schmidt is a goofy kid who wants to be a cool big boy. But even he knows he shouldn't be able to get this girl and yet he has and so he needs to validate it because he can't believe his luck. And Cece finds it all kinds of adorable to be so appreciated. Because though she may be a model who is likely constantly told how beautiful she is, she's never met anyone who so annoys and attracts her. Yet she is totally aware of how unnatural their courtship is and so she wants to hide it. That makes it fun to watch.

For now.

Maybe they can sustain it for a while but I'm sure the writers will split them up and bring them back together 20-times in the next seven seasons. It works so it has to be fucked with.

Angel wings!

Did I forget anything? I think there was a point to the whole bully thing. But I'm not interested enough to remember it or analyze it so we'll leave it there.

QUOTABLES

Schmidt and Cece have just finished having sex, again, and he is excitedly happy while she is horrified by her need for him.
Schmidt: It was like a river. Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body? You were like a canoe on my body river. [laughs] Like you'd ever be sea-worthy with those breasts. Boobies.
Cece: I wish there was a word that meant complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.
Schmidt: I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.
Cece: [getting out of bed] That was the last time!
Schmidt: You said that twice last night. You'll be back. I'm like your black-tar heroin. Just need that sweet taste in your veins. Schmidtle. 'And the Damage Done.' Neil Young, yo.

Later, Cece can't get enough of the Schmidtle and calls him down to her car where they argue over where to have their next sexy-time session.
Cece: What about just a little good old-fashion car sex?
Schmidt: I can't do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.
Cece: Okay! Are we gonna do this or not? 'Cause I kinda need this to happen right now! Okay? I mean, isn't there like a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we could use?
Schmidt: What do I like like? A gypsy courtesan?

If I had to rate this episode, I'd give it:

75 out of 100

The Cece and Schmidt stuff saved it from a worse fate. I really couldn't give two shits about the rest of the downer plot. Winston really needs something more important to do, or just KILL HIM OFF!

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.13: 'Valentine's Day'

Poor Jess, no guy to bang and has to hang out with Schmidt. What's an adorkable chick gotta do to get laid?!

Schmidt: Look, Jess, truth is I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
Jess: What?!
Schmidt: There's no thrill. All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women, I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for everybody else.

But Jess gets a bit beggy and reveals she's feeling "twirly."

Schmidt: Is that like horny?
Jess: I got the dirty twirl, Schmidty! Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid [pause], world!

Meanwhile, Nick and Julia plan their first Valentine's Day date.

Nick: Well, first of all, you're gonna need a map of Arizona.
Julia: I can get that.
Nick: And a container that you're comfortable getting urine in.
Julia: Oh, I have one in my purse!
Nick: You do?

Winston and Shelby are apparently going on their first real date on Valentine's Day and Schmidt thinks it is a bad idea.

Winston: Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out, that's all.
Schmidt: You know where that puts you in six months? Yeah, watching 'It's Complicated' on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what? It's not complicated. It's about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen. You sure you're really ready for that?

Inside the apartment, Cece is listening to one-night-stand Jess discuss the needs of her vagina, that she has named "Little Jess." Apparently her dirty twirl is on fire and antibiotics won't fix things.

Nick goes to Julia's lawyer office to pick her up for their special day together but she isn't ready to leave yet, even though he's wearing his boxers on the outside and she has glowing hearts on the top of her head (I wanna marry her!). Winston goes to Shelby's place thinking they are going to have a quiet night together but discovers she has invited her girlfriends over and they're doing yucky girly things together (and I don't mean the kind that you see in a porno either). And over at one-night-stand world, Little Jess tries to pick up that blond dude who has lots of sex from TRUE BLOOD. You know the guy I'm talking about. Though, on this show, his name is Oliver, he dumbdumb, and he loves lunch.

Jess: Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all! But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt.

As Jess runs off to powder her muffin, Cece tries to help Schmidt get some action by making some random chick jealous. Before things can get too hot and sexy, Kyle (I think that's his name) shows up all shroomed up and racist and takes Cece away, leaving Schmidt to watch over Jess. She soon returns to inform him that she's going home with Oliver and proves she is ready by revealing a massive box of da rubrubs.

Schmidt: A hundred condoms? What're you gonna have sex with an army?

Unfortunately for Schmidt, he gets stuck driving Oliver, the most boring man in the universe, and Jess to their sex rendezvous. Also known as a sexdezvous. Just made that one up, folks. Hey, fuck you! It's my birthday tomorrow (or today if you are reading this on the 15th)!

So, Nick's still at Julia's lawyer office, since she's delayed by work and he is stuck hanging with her intern, Cliff, who is much too curious about their love life. Winston is trapped inside Shelby's apartment doing girly things. And Jess is hanging out with Oliver at his place, but with Schmidt unwilling to leave because she has no ride back, Little Jess can't get her twirl on. Thankfully, Cece saves the day by telling Schmidt she'll pick him up so Jess can use his car to get home.

Still unable to go out on his date with his precious angel Julia, Nick bonds with a curious Cliff.

Cliff: So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out?
Nick: Well, I got my heart broken.
Cliff: Yeah.
Nick: And then everything got weird. I started playing guitar in an old-country ska band.
Cliff: Sure.
Nick: Gambling a lot. There was a really weird week where I wore a long blond wig and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson.
Cliff: I have never loved anyone that much.
Nick: Then I drove to Mexico and I tried to enter a cock fight.
Cliff: As a person?
Nick: Yes, Cliff. As a person.

Nick's story of love so inspires Cliff that he decides he doesn't want to be a lawyer either and he dramatically quits in front of Julia, citing Nick as his inspiration.

Nick: Julia, I am so sorry! I just told him a story about when I got arrested in Mexico.
Julia: You got arrested in Mexico?
Nick: I wasn't gonna tell you until after you got knocked-up and were stuck with me.

Poor Julia is stuck doing all the work now and tells Nick to go home. What a bitch!

In Jess world, as she makes out with lunchboy, his ex Amy shows up as she is still living with him. Soon Cece shows up, followed by Schmidt, and then shroom-dude. Suddenly Amy starts making out with Kyle, which then causes Cece to attack and we have a cat fight! But it's soon broken up by Schmidt, who carries Cece out, quickly followed by Kyle who follows a Jess-tossed shiny out the door.

Jess tries to do makeout time with lunchbox but Amy's taco fetish ruins the mood and the dirty twirl turns into an escape from the weirdos.

Super boyfriend Nick finishes up Julia's work so they can be totally romantic and shit together. She's all affected by his sweetness, even though he did all the work wrong, but doesn't suddenly sex him up like any good girlfriend should and instead continues working. What a slut! I mean, the opposite. What an unslut, which is so much worse.

In the end, Winston gets some. Jess doesn't, then tries to get some with Schmidt (umm, what?!), but is interrupted by Nick who catches her with the box of condoms and his horrified (AS HE SHOULD BE!). He then drags her away from the condoms and a terrible decisions. Which is good because inside Schmidt's, Cece's dirty twirl is about to be satisfied. And the two girls finally have sexy time!

The whole thing ends with Jess calling Cece and confessing her near sin, as a sleepy Schmidt drapes himself all over his gorgeous conquest.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

90 out of 100

SEX!!!!!!!!!! YEAH! Best... episode... ever... this Tuesday... on FOX!

I'm a dude.

Fuck ya if you don't like it.

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.12: 'The Landlord'

And so we return to the adorkable one and her happy gang of freaks, geeks, and creeps.

Speaking of, this latest episode could have been called "Nick and Jess' Ménage à Trois with the Creepy Landlord."

There are two basic setups for this episode. The first being that Nick and Jess are in an argument over his negativity versus her positiveness. She thinks she can fix any situation with a smile and kindness. He thinks people are just bad and that they will harm you the first chance they get. Jess wins point one when they are confronted with a gun wielding psychopath in a parking lot as they fight over a spot. When Jess talks the man down with kindness, she thinks her methods are foolproof.

The second setup is that Schmidt's boss may or may not be coming onto him via suggestive language. Schmidt thinks she wants to sex him up but every time he starts to react, she seems to send him mixed signals. So, will Schmidt have the sexy time with the boss girl or will he get hurt? Tune in!

When utilities in the apartment continue to be problematic, Jess suggests the boys get the landlord to fix things. The boys are horrified at the suggestion, warning Jess not to talk to him, telling her that he is a bad man. But she is convinced she can calm any savage beast with her sweetness, so she goes to see him.

The landlord doesn't seem very receptive to Jess' adorkable ways at first but when she mentions there are four people living in the apartment, he is surprised since there are only supposed to be four occupants. Jess goes back to the apartment to tell the boys, who are horrified! When the landlord knocks on the door, they go into emergency mode and toss Schmidt's bed out the window, then pretend he is a foreign friend who has been staying over. This fails but the landlord seems most upset by a painting on a closet wall. As he tries to leave, Jess finally uses her charms to get him to agree to fix some things for her.

It quickly becomes evident to Nick that the only reason the landlord is helping Jess is because he wants to do the sexy sex with her. He tells Jess but she dismisses it, still wanting to believe that the landlord is being nice because of her sweet disposition. But when the landlord reveals he is ready for their three-way, Nick gloats and demands she admit to being wrong. When she refuses, the threesome is on! Eventually Nick calls Jess' bluff, by going in for a kiss, and she admits to being wrong. When the landlord still doesn't seem phased, the gang is saved a raping by Winston (who finally has a purpose!) whose arrival turns the landlord off (apparently he doesn't do foursomes).

In Schmidt's world, he finally goes for it with his boss while in the parking garage. She is receptive but security guards see the sexual assault on surveillance cameras and think she is being raped. Schmidt gets beat up and arrested.

QUOTABLES

As Nick and Jess sit in their car, confronted by a gun wielding man in another car, Jess tries to reason with him while Nick freaks out.
Jess: Don't use guns [gestures and smiles].
Nick: Stop it! Just stop it! Just get down! [to the gun wielding man] We're sorry! Take the spot. [to Jess] Just be submissive!
Jess: Sorry. [pointing to Nick] Sorry about this guy.
Nick: What you.. don't apologize!
Jess: He's overreacting.
Nick: I'm overreacting?! He has a gun and you're dressed like a bulls-eye.

At dinner, the landlord offers Nick some of his home brew alcohol but Nick, who suspects the landlord is just trying to lube them up with drink, counters.
Remy: Think you can handle some, Nick?
Nick: Oh, I'm okay. Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later.

When Jess tells the landlord that Nick had a painful breakup, the two bond.
Remy: Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months until they were too soaked through with your own sweat and tears?
Nick: No.
Remy: Did you punch out all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? Did you go out looking for companionship, a little human warmth, only to come through in the woods covered in animal blood?
Nick: In my own way.
Remy: Come here man. [they embrace]

When Remy tells Nick and Jess to start the threesome while he watches, Nick seems excited at the prospect of finally winning the argument.
Jess: Nick, I will do this!
Nick: Say that you're wrong and it's over.
Jess: I'm not wrong.
Nick: Jess, you can't do this but I can.
Jess: Okay. Let's do this, Nick!
Nick: [happily] Then let's do it, Jess.
Jess: I can do it.. [as Nick goes in for the kiss] Nooooo, okay fine, I admit it! I'm wrong!
Nick: [hands raised in the air] Yes! Yes!

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

88 out of 100

It was a creepily fun episode. The best part was watching Jess and Nick deal with the awkwardness of Remy's threesome and Jess' uncomfortable attempt at not having to admit to being wrong. Schmidt's side story was kind of fun too and the payoff in the parking garage was briefly great. Though, the ending with him semi-naked on the table, posing for the Japanese business men on the other side left me kind of meh.

ONE LAST THING: When did Nick break up with his girlfriend? I ask because he seemed very willing to kiss Jess (even if it was just to prove a point). Isn't he in a committed relationship? Nick doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would cheat on his girl even if it is with the girl he'd rather be with, or to just win an argument. So, party foul on the writers... even if it was the best moment of the episode.

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.11: 'Jess and Julia'

Our little geeky girl is back with a new episode and I'm here to review it! Aren't you excited?

So Nick and Julia (that's apparently the name of the girl he's dating) are totally doing it nightly now as she wakes up in his bed. And they must be pretty serious because she is even brushing her teeth in the apartment's bathroom with Jess, not even trying to hide the fact that she's there (I don't know what that's like since all my victims arrive late at night and leave early in the morning before the sun comes out).

As Julia brushes her teeth and Jess brushes her hair, Schmidt dramatically exits the shower.

Schmidt: Damn towel! Damn!
Jess: Here we go.
Schmidt: It's like a really big wetnap. [he exits the shower] I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever.

Schmidt is not happy about there being two girls in the bathroom since it clashes with his feminine products, or something, or it creates damp towels.

Julia: Sorry, so what are your thoughts on damp towels?
Schmidt: Oh, you better watch it, Nick's overnight guest.

Burn.

Julia escapes the uncomfortable situation as Nick enters the bathroom. This is when he discovers that Jess is going to get Julia, a lawyer, to help her get out of a traffic ticket, and Winston realizes he needs to get laid so he calls up the last girl he banged in the states, Shelby.

Winston has drinks with Shelby but things don't go as well as he expected. After talking about himself, he drops the bomb.

Winston: So, ummm, your place or mine?
Shelby: [laughs, a lot]
Winston: [nervously laughs back] What are we laughing at?
Shelby: How much I'm not going home with you tonight. [laughs] You show up after two years, out of the blue, and all you do is talk about yourself. You don't even let me get a word in edgewise.
Winston: But why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks?
Shelby: Winston, you took me out for a drink at the place where I work! Here's your bill. Thanks for the water.

Back at the apartment, the girls meet to discuss Jess' ticket but somehow get into a weird and uncomfortable discussion about how Jess behaves and what it's like to live with the guys. Nick arrives just in time to take the pressure off Julia but not before making it obvious that she has a problem with Jess.

Jess' friends come over to discuss the Julia problem. When Nick walks in on the cauldron, he is met with a feisty Cece.

Cece: Nick, where is this bitch? I'm gonna smack that lawyer learning right out of her mouth.

Nick doesn't understand why the girls are so hostile toward his sex-bot. They try to explain the subtleties of female war of words but it falls on dumb male ears. Nick defends his knobjobber and tells the girls that she doesn't deal in subtext or other girly passive aggressive habits. Jess jabs back.

Jess: Oh, okay. So did she come right out and ask you if you were seeing other girls? Because [pause] she asked me.

Nick is surprised and the girls clue him in on how girls talk, even lesbians. Schmidt rushes into the room upon hearing the word "lesbians." Then finds out that the lesbian chick, whatever her name is, used to date a girl who looks like Nick. It's all kinds of sexy like that.

Out at the bar, the gang discusses Winston's lack of game and Nick's ability to get girls despite being desperately average. When Julia arrives her and Nick discuss the "other people" situation. Unfortunately, most likely due to fears of revealing their vulnerability, both of them lie to the other that they are seeing other people and pretend that it is totally cool with the other.

Nick: I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman. Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.
Julia: I've had to start carrying like athletic shoes in my purse, 'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. Can't wear heels.
Nick: Well, I'm having sex right now. Under the bar. And she's on top. So figure that out.

Julia escapes to the bathroom, followed by Jess. The two argue. Julia expresses a fear that her stuffiness will eventually drive Nick into Jess' goofy arms. The two start to get emotional and Julia demands Jess leave because she doesn't want to cry in front of her. Jess, also in need of crying, runs into the men's bathroom where she finds Nick's face decorated with dudears (that's "dude" plus "tears"... it's crafty and shit).

Man, what a downer!

Winston goes back to the diner where Shelby works to try to make amends and have an actual conversation with her. He gets all adult conversationy with her. I still don't know why Winston is on this show. is he like the token black guy? If so, bring back Coach! Yeah, I know, he's on another show. Just like... kidnap him. That's still legal in California, right?

Anyway, so Jess and Julia end up in traffic court together, since Julia had said she would help her out. Jess makes it easy on both of them by blurting out a "guilty" though probably not on purpose. Outside of the courtroom, the two discuss their antagonistic relationship. Jess defends her uniqueness.

Jess: I break for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person! That's just weird and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown and I hate your pantsuit! I wish it had ribbons on it, or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart, and tough, and strong!
Julia: Okay.
Jess: And I know you like Nick. And I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.
Julia: Are you done?
Jess: I am almost done. I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch! [walks away]
Julia: Wrong way.

In the next scene the dude who is not Coach walks Shelby home. They seem to have had a nice day together. He suggest they go out on a real date. She tells him to call her. As she walks away he starts to do some freakish alien dance. She notices. He realizes he has a lot of work to do... getting Coach back.

At the apartment, Schmidt is showering again and can't find a large enough towel for his man parts. He shimmies through the apartment where Jess and her Cat Squad are hanging out. When he trips and exposes himself, the girls get a full view of his special happy place. Their reactions stir the tiny anger within to expose itself and he complains about how the increase in women in the apartment hasn't improved his sex life any but made everything more damp. Jess suggest something that I don't understand because I am a man and I don't understand woman talk!

Julia makes a surprise appearance at the apartment to talk to Jess. When she realizes the Cat Squad is in full meowing, she tries to leave but Jess wrangles her in with sewing. What woman could resist? The ladies then have their bonding moments together over girl school talk and baby bonnets.

When Nick arrives, Julia drags him into his room to have sex with him, or talk. I thought it was going to be sex but then I'm a dude. Have I not made this clear yet?! Why would you expect me to think anything else was going to happen?

Oh yeah, so Julia wants to be exclusive. Nick wants the same.

Julia: So what does that mean? You're my boyyyyyyfriend now?

She's kind of adorkable. Let's keep her.

In the bathroom, Schmidt finds his towel damp again and freaks out. Nick tells him that's because it's the towel he uses. Schmidt realizes he's been using the wrong towel. I really miss HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY right about now.

Winston: This means you two have been drying your junk with the same towel.

And finally Winston has a purpose.

The episode ends on a pretty funny exchange that I will leave up to you to discover on your own.

If I had to rate this episode, I'd give it:

90 out of 100

A very enjoyable episode with some memorable dialogue and adorkableness.

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.10 - 'The Story of the 50'

NEW GIRL is back and Schmidt has his 29th birthday! And it's an adventure.

I really think this show just needs to do party episodes because those seem to be the most fun. Wedding, Thanksgiving, and birthday have all been really good to great.

"The Story of the 50" starts with the roommates talking about Schmidt putting $50 in the "douchebag jar" for which he seems to be the main, if not the only, donator. Schmidt is such a douchebag that we are shown several of his indiscretions. The roommates even discuss how he speaks a different language where he shortens common words down to some douchebag colloquialism.

We also see that Nick has a lawyer significant other who seems really cool, even as Nick tries to hide his friends from her. Though, she has her own secret that we discover later in the episode.

Meanwhile, Jess is trying to put together a special surprise party-bus birthday for Schmidt involving friends, Nick's bro juice, a stripper, and extra special douchebags. Things go well until Schmidt's super douchie douchebag friend, Benjamin, tries to hit on Jess and then shit talks the party-bus. When the boys confront him, Nick's lawyer-girl steps in to break the ruckus up, only to go all kung-fu crazy and start punching! The bus crashes and the party ends.

Later, as Jess and Schmidt chill like two bros talking about the party, Schmidt tries to sneak a kiss to Jess' uncomfortable horror. And that earns the douchebag jar $50. And while this write-up sure sounds boring as shit, the episode rules.

Fuck this noise and let's get to a couple of QUOTABLES!

Schmidt tries to explain his relationship with Benjamin to Jess.
Schmidt: Look, we have a very weird girl-style friendship where we kind of hate each other. We're bronemies. He's my friemesis.

When Jess decides to throw Schmidt a surprise birthday party, Nick doesn't think it is such a good idea.
Nick: Jess, Schmidt's world is different than ours. They speak a different language. They shorten every word to one syllable. Okay, he once called an oven an 'ovs.' He calls an airport 'airp.'
Winston: He called ketchup 'ketch.'
Nick: Last month he went to a party called 'Bros Before Hos on the Moon.' What does that even mean? And the dress code was yacht flair.

If I had to rate this one, I'd give it:

90 out of 100

Fun characters and dialogue. Nick's girly girl is cute and I want to see more of her. Seeing college Schmidt's flashback, when he was a fatty, was fun but I would have liked to have seen even more of it. Plus, it's just nice to have the show back doing new episodes.

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.09 - The 23rd

This week the writers prove my prediction at the end of last week's review to be true. Jess is not allowed to be happy this early in the series. Granted, they did it so they could show us just how adorably sweet and cuddly Nick is. Awwww! Will-they-want-they button mashed again! So let us journey forward on this ride of 'Jess Versus the I Love You.'

Clearly I am going through CHUCK withdrawals already.

The setup: Jess and her coolest boyfriend in the world, Paul, are celebrating their first Christmas together which includes exchanging gifts. Paul gives her tickets to Vienna. She gives him a stuffed mechanical heart that has a beating heart noise that sounds like little farts. Being the sweet and quirky guy that Paul is, he is more than happy with the gift, seeing it as just part of what he loves about her. So he confesses that love and Jess, being the typical girl, decides that the sweet, nice, wonderful guy who cares about her has to suffer for what the asshole douchebag she loved for no good reason did.

And that is totally realistic as a bunch of my super nice, caring dudes with lots of love to give buddies of mine can attest (and my lady friends who do it all the time). If a guy is a cunt, then he is worth ruining friendships and family relationships for as he uses and abuses your love until, way too many years later, you realize he is never going to change and you finally give up (or he kicks you out of the apartment you shared for years).

However, if the next guy you date is everything you ever wanted and more in a man, but isn't a total cock face, then you have to crap on him because you are a piece of shit that daddy never truly loved, because you weren't a boy. So, yeah. That happened.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so now Jess has a problem because when Paul confesses his love, Jess uncomfortably squeezes out a thank you. Soon after, the gang goes to Schmidt's work Christmas party where the wild-one is playing sexy Santa to his office full of sexist women. Winston is there, doing his best to not get noticed by the audience, except when to interact with a child (he has spent 1/3 of this season so far with children). Nick and Jess talk about the love confession issue, where the most obvious thing is about to happen. And it of course does.

Nick, thinking Jess has already talked to Paul, discusses the issue, then realizes his mistake and uncomfortably and crazily tries to get out of it. When he finally accepts that pretending to be drunk or kidding won't work, he tries to talk Paul off the ledge. When Jess finds the two talking outside, after having some sexy sit-down with her friend Cece in the bathroom, Nick confesses his mistake and then hurriedly tries to escape back inside only to find the door locked. This leads to a few funny moments where he interrupts a serious discussion between the soon-to-be-over lovers.

Meanwhile, Schmidt is being sexually harassed. Then he stands up for himself. Cece's new boyfriend is a dick. She tries on stinky perfume that Schmidt gave her. Oh no! WILL THEY?! WON'T THEY?!

In the end, Jess and Paul break up, with Nick feeling horrible and pleading with Paul not to do it. Then, as the gang goes on a ride with Nick to the airport (a side story about him always missing the flight home for Christmas is at times fun, even though I barely cover it here), Nick decides to try to cheer Jess up by stopping by one of those super-duper Christmas lights neighborhoods you always see on TV. But when they arrive the lights are all out (never seen this happen in all the years I have taken a ride through one of these 'hoods) and so the gang starts screaming for the lights to be turned back on... which of course happens. Awww. Isn't that romantic?!

QUOTABLES

At the opening of the episode, the boys are all on roller skates that Jess has given them as gifts. When she arrives at the apartment she finds them all sprawled on the floor.
Jess: You guys are all wearing the holiday gifts I gave you.
Schmidt: No, I.. (the others look at her guiltily)
Jess: That is so sweet! I need to take a picture.
Nick: (crawling) Jess! Don't take a photo!
Jess: (with camera in hand as Nick tries to maul it away) So cute. So cute.

Jess and Nick are out shopping and Jess reveals a gift certificate for sex that she is considering giving Paul.
Jess: But I don't want him to think that I'm using him for his body.
Nick: I'm sure he'd be okay with that.
Opens up the card.
Nick: 'Nerdy weird sex that works for both of us?'
Jess: Okay, give it back!
Nick: This is amazing.
Jess: No..
Nick: I'm gonna keep this.
Jess: Come on..
Nick: I'm gonna cash this in one night and get some weird nerd sex with it.
Jess: But it's not for you!
Nick: Oh my god. Thank you! Now I know what I'm getting my mom.
Jess: Oh my god, Nick!
Nick: It's going right to my mom!

Nick and Jess discuss her issues with being too giving to men.
Jess: One time I went on a date and by 11pm, I gave the guy my ATM code.
Nick: What is your ATM code?
Jess: Four. Two. Th.. very funny! Very good try but no.
Nick: Not a try. Got it.
[note: I wonder if the 4 and 2 was supposed to be a nod to Zooey being in HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY]

Cece talks to Schmidt about how his boss (how many does he have?) is treating him in his sexy Santa outfit.
Cece: You know, you don't deserve to be treated like that. You just gotta tell her no. Otherwise, all she'll do is see you as a pretty face and a hot body.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, what was that?
Cece: You have a pretty face?
Schmidt: No, no, the sec.. 'cause the second part. And I'd like you to say it like in an accent and, but make direct eye contact.
Cece: Schmidt, do not push your luck with me.
Schmidt: (sniffing her as she walks by) What's that smell?
Cece: That's your perfume.
Schmidt: You wore it?!
Cece: (naughtily smirking) Yeah, it smells terrible.
Schmidt: (laughs) It does smell terrible. It's like a dirty dish towel.

After Nick confesses to Jess that he told Paul she didn't love him, his escape from the very awkward situation is made worse by the locked door.
Nick: Please, this is my nightmare! (banging on the door) Winston! Help me!

Schmidt tries to talk to his boss about sexy Santa.
Schmidt: It's over. Santa's dead. I killed him.
A small child screams and runs away.
Kim: Oh my god. No, no, no don't worry, that's just Gena's cowardly son. He is a scream machine.
Schmidt: Kim, I'm not a sex object, alright? I'm your employee. And I work harder than anyone. I'm the first one to show up every morning.
Kim: No, you're not.
Schmidt: There's, there's never a parking space.
Kim: That's because everyone's already here, Schmidt.

If I had to rate this episode, I would give it:

90 out of 100

I really loved Nick in this one. It is his best episode since the wedding one (that ballooned expectations for this show in general). I still feel like the writers are having a hard time finding a place for Winstons. Man, that other dude was so much better. Schmidt was also fun, and his little moments with Cece do reveal a good amount of chemistry between the two. Finally, Jess and Paul's failed relationship may have been a bit of a downer, and the setup to that failure may have been too predictable, but it brought us a moment of Nick's mega awkwardness that made him even more lovable.

P.S.

If I got any facts wrong during the recap, so what?

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.08 - Bad In Bed

Woah. Zooey is hot. I never knew this until tonight. She is a major hottie babe. She is sexy like a meow meow. I want to do some hotchie mutchie in her most totally inappropriate...... I mean the CHARACTER not the actor, of course. I mean Jess.

Alright, let's just get to the recap.

Jess bangs her new boyfriend and things just don't go well.

Jess: I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years and I get so nervous. It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.

But she has a plan to right the ship and sail into more friendly waters (why did I go for a boating metaphor?).

Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night, let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. V-bomb on the P-bomb. (smacks her hands together and makes an explosive sound with hand gesture)
Paul: (confused) I would have the.. P-bomb. Right?

While Jess deals with her sex problems, Nick has hair issues. Specifically, getting his hair cut issues. He doesn't seem to enjoy the small talk portion of the process. When Winston offers up an alternate solution, Nick isn't having any of it either.

Nick: I'm not going to a black barber shop, Winston. I've seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.

For whatever reason, in the middle of this stressfest for Nick, Jess announces her sexual intentions with her boy slave.

Jess: So, ummm, heads-up, Paul's coming tonight. And, uhhh, I just wanted to tell ya that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna be searching for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.

Meanwhile, over at Schmidt's office job, he has a red-headed nemesis who seems to hate him, wants his job, and is out to destroy everything about him. When she lays out exactly the manner in which she is going to make his life a living hell, our boy is a tad confused.

Schmidt: You like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.

As Cece and Jess shop for bedroom wear, the adorkable one worries she isn't good in bed.

Jess: Everything I know about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trials.

Jess buys the sluttiest outfit known to man; Nick tries to learn to cut his own hair; and Schmidt gets himself invited to a baby shower to kiss up to the boss.

When Jess comes across some spanky spank German porno, she crams hours of slutty learning into 5 1/2 hours, then asks the guys to teach her more. The guys, being the good roommates they are, put on a 3v1 orgy with Jess as the jam in the middle of their jelly donut.

Alright, I made that last part up but that would have been an awesome episode!

So Jess humorously demonstrates her four moves to the guys and they include the one where you do something, and then the other one... and that thing when you slap your hand, I think. Anyway, as Jess tries to get advice from the guys, the dudes get into a swinging dick match about who is better in bed. Before they can give Jess any proper sex advice, Paul arrives.

At the baby shower, Schmidt and his red-headed nemesis continue to wage a war of terror, with Schmidt gaining the upper hand as he gets bombed-out-drunk with the girls. But just as he is impressing his very pregnant boss, he tosses her fat ass... I clearly meant to say glowing beautiful ass, in the pool. Because that's what we bros do. Just as the party and the audience thinks Schmidt has ruined all that good will, boss lady reveals her excitement and our boy is king again. This is a teachable moment. Throw your preggers boss in the pool. Always.

Back at that apartment, Jess gets down and dirty and strips, to reveal her smokin' bod. She then talks dirty, in an old time 50s movie voice. Poor Paul is confused and puts on his best Jimmy Stewart as Jess plays the spanky game, then barks orders at him as an old woman character as he tries to take off her netting nighty thing. After Jess tosses Paul on the bed and threatens to split him in half, he tries to slow things down. So she chokes him. He escapes, telling her he needs to go home to get some water.

That train-wreck had me literally rolling on the floor laughing.

The episode ends with Nick's new haircut; Schmidt's conquest trying to find the door to get out; and Nick and Winston talking Jess off her figurative sex crime ledge.

Nick: Here's the thing, you gotta stop thinking about it. Just relax and be yourself. You're awesome.
Jess: What do you think, Winston?
Nick: Why are you asking Winston?
Jess: Because, Nick, look at your hair. You really don't look like someone who's good at sex.
Nick: I can't believe you just said that.
Winston: Here's what you do. You're gonna stop worrying about it. Completely.
Jess: Yeah, that's really good.
Nick: That's literally what I just said.
Winston: What're you worried about anyway? Paul doesn't care what you do. I've seen the way that boy looks at you. And he is crazy about you.
Nick: I agree..
Jess: Shhhhh! I'm trying to listen to Winston.

Of course, no surprise to anyone but people who have never watched television before, Paul shows up to tell Jess he likes her and that he isn't as experienced and then she confesses that she isn't either and they live happily ever after or until something happens in a few episodes to split them up since you can't allow Jess to have a lasting relationship on this show until at least season 9. Sorry if that is a spoiler.

If I had to rate this episode, I would give it:

88 out of 100.

I enjoyed it. I didn't have any problem with it. I laughed. I thought Jess was hot and adorkable and dangerous. What more does a man need?

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.06: Thanksgiving

So Zooey is super damn cute. And I want her to be all like romantic about me because her eyes glow in that adorable way when girls have convinced themselves they are totally in love with you, right before you sabotage it because you don't know how to be loved because daddy never hugged you and mommy blamed you for causing problems in the family so she beat you with a shoe or something. Not that it is anything like my life, just saying. That could happen to people.

So Jess asks a boy named Paul out and invites him to Thanksgiving with her roommates.

Schmidt: Jess, be honest, is the turkey named Paul?
Jess: It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hoooooooot! And the turkey is named Hank! (laughing to herself) Hanksgiving. And we are gonna eat him, so..

Jess assures the boys that she will do everything. The guys have other concerns.

Winston: Are we gonna be able to hang out with Paul, or is he also a teacher?
Jess: No, he's a total guy's guy. He normally spends Thanksgiving with his nana but she just passed away.
Nick: (sarcastically) That's a great plan, Jess. Be the girl who replaces his dead nana.
Jess: (totally unaware) I know!

As the boys worry that Paul is going to become the fifth roommate, Jess notes a more immediate problem.

Jess: You guys, don't even get up. Just enjoy your beers, this is gonna be a great meal. Just curious, does anyobody know anything about cooking? No pressure, just like cooking a turkey for example. It says you need some kind of strain.

When Schmidt offers a mildly informative tip on the process, Jess is excited and asks for more. The boys are edgy about the whole deal and Schmidt fires back.

Schmidt: Here's a tip. Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in fourteen hours. Here's another tip, don't ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are 4th of July; ahhhh, Independence Day, obviously; Women's History month; and Christmas.

When Jess asks Schmidt for help he refuses, but she baits him with inviting Cece. To the objections of Nick and Winston, he cracks but declares he has kitchen control issues and doesn't deal well with being told what to do.

What is clear is that Jess is a danger to herself in the kitchen. It's also clear that this turkey is frozen rock hard solid (that's what she said?) and we are treated to a montage of Jess trying to thaw it, or force it into the oven (yes, I have had that problem before, ohhh!).

When Paul arrives early, before the turkey is even out of the dryer, Jess is looking a bit dumpy.

Jess: How do I look?!
Schmidt: It's better if you don't know.

Paul is dressed up, looking all proper and shit, but the gang quickly discovers that he is just as quirky as Jess. Nick is horrified.

Nick: Oh my god, there's two of them.

Paul's a happy fellow but Nick is a big grumpster and Jess pulls him aside to head off a problem.

Jess: I just need you not to do that thing that you do!
Nick: What thing? I don't do a thing.
Jess: Yes, you get all mean and you make that little turtle face.
Nick: Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face.
Jess: Just talk to him like a normal human being. Not about politics, or small business loans, or Google conspiracy thing, okay?!

Nick agrees to help Jess try to impress. Winston decides to play word association with Paul. The turkey tumbles around in the dryer. Schmidt and Cece discuss being sanitary. When that discussion results in the trashing of all the walnuts, Paul volunteers to go get more. However, since he is a bit tipsy, Nick is volunteered to drive him (couldn't Nick have done this by himself instead?). The two share an uncomfortable ride.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Schmidt and Cece are cooking up a storm. Cece, the naughty little bad girl that she is, knowing Schmidt's issues with being sanitary, shoves a bit of food in his face.

Schmidt: (with Cece looking at him sexily amused) What, what?! No! What is wrong with you?! Look at this recipe! Look at the recipe. Where in this recipe does it say 'put mashed potatoes on Schmidt's nose'?!

Soon after, the turkey explodes, smoking up the entire apartment. As the boys try to air it out with pillows, Schmidt makes a verbal note of the predicament.

Schmidt: It's like a Prince video!

The boys are not happy about the circumstances in which they find themselves.

Winston: Remember when there was only dudes living here and we had no fires?
Nick: This is ridiculous! Three months ago we didn't even know this girl.

When the boys decide to leave to go to a bar, Paul convinces them to stick around and eat the food they have been making. But Jess has an issue with Nick's problem with Paul and they argue outside of a neighbor's apartment as the rest of the gang listens from inside.

Nick: Does it matter what I think?! Does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him.. big time! (Paul reacts surprised inside the apartment) You heard me, big time! Okay? I wanna take him down to China Town and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: (to Winston) What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I wanna do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I wanna do it standing up and sitting down. And half up and half down. And the wiggly one. And the bear attack. And the claws in the head...

When Jess discovers that Paul has heard the entire conversation, she is embarrassed but survives. As she and Cece discuss it in the kitchen, her hot model friend confesses that Schmidt's earlier outburst turned her on. Apparently she is super into angry guys. If girls like this existed in the real world, I would already be thrice divorced.... but via exotic gorgeous chicks, yo. Win-win.

As Paul tunes his stringed instrument thingy, he senses hostility from Nick and decides to confront the problem.

Paul: (sitting next to him) Nick, I gotta just say something to you. I feel like you think I'm kind of annoying.
Nick: You didn't have to come here to say that, you could have done it from over there.
Paul: Okay, and if that's the case, which I don't know that it is..
Nick: It is.
Paul: I don't care. I actually feel sort of sorry for you. Because this point in your life, I know that you'll never dislike me more than you dislike yourself.
Nick: Really? That's what you're going with, Violin?

Back in the kitchen, Cece attempts to get her angry-Schmidt fix by antagonizing him. Schmidt tries really hard not to get pissed as she dips her fingers in his pudding (these things just write themselves, folks). Schmidt is not liking it but is trying to manage his temper having just misguidedly promised to never yell at her again.

Schmidt: It's so gross.
Cece: Yell.
Schmidt: I'd really, I'd really rather you not do that.
Cece: I haven't washed my hands since three o'clock and I'm gonna double dip.

But he doesn't bite. Poor gorgeous Cece's needs are not met.

Just when things are going well and Thanksgiving dinner is being served, and Paul is playing a happy tune, he discovers the occupant's rotting corpse!

Jess: Poor Mrs. Beverly.
Schmidt: Oh Miss Beverly from the mailboxes.

In the end, the gang stands in line for Black Friday at Best Buy (paid in-show advertisement!) and Paul brings sandwiches... and I suddenly feel like I am watching CHUCK.

If I was forced to rate this episode at gunpoint, I would give it:

84 out of 100.

It was a cute and fun little episode and gave me the fix I needed but missed the mark a bit in being as funny as previous episodes, and for giving no real payoff to any of the more dramatic/antagonistic moments. Still, it is a solid B.

Read More

NEW GIRL 1.05: Cece Crashes

The 5th episode of my new favorite show... on FOX... on Tuesdays, had another adorable skip and hop to dorkyland and I'm here to tell you aboot it. I did that aboot for the Canadian readers who otherwise have to live in a cold, empty land with free health care and Tim Hortons. That's what we call a shoot-oot.

Goddamn lame Canadian jokes! Is this what the site has become? This is almost as bad as doing a weekly SUPERNATURAL article... which will start this coming weekend! Alright, let me get to the episode.

Cece gets into an argument with her DJ significant other at a club and she is super upset about it.

Cece: I really felt Gavin was different. Didn't you feel like he was different?
Jess: Yeah. I mean he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.

Jess thinks she would be better off staying with her and the dudes, because what a hot super model type needs is horny above average guys who think they deserve a girl of her caliber to rub up against all night like a pack of wolves.

Back at the apartment, Schmidt has decided to wear a kimono for relaxing purposes. Winston is a bit disturbed and mockingly rips his pants off in protest and adorns himself with tissue paper.

Schmidt: You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of Samurai culture and it's an affront, Winston! It's an affront!

When the girls arrive at the apartment, Jess gathers the guys up for a little talk about her friend, totally unaware that she is giving the boys carte blanche (ooh, fancy words!) to try to get sexy like a meow meow with her besty.

Jess: Cece's really vulnerable right now and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. So she's really grabby, really physical. She's really loose with her body. So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything she might do.
Schmidt: (trying really hard to act cool) Good to know.
Winston: Yeah, thanks for telling us.

When Jess next sees her friends, the boys have totally taken advantage of Cece's looseness (have I ever mentioned that drunk sluts are like the best thing ever? No? Should I not have just mentioned that?) and are having some kind of dance party with her. Well, except for Nick who is grumpily watching it all unfold. When Cece tries to drag him onto the makeshift dance floor, he protests.

Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in FOOTLOOSE.

When Cece gets a bit too physical and tries to rip Nick's shirt off, he suggests it may be time for her to do the sleepy time. Schmidt then sheep-dog dance-herds her drunken sexy ass into the bedroom. I have never done this... and feel deprived.

Schmidt, having herded Cece into his bed, runs out into the living-room to declare his success..

Schmidt: Yes! She is sleeping on my sheets right now. Not yours, bro! Mine!
Schmidt then proceeds to run up the wall, then tumble around the floor mumbling to himself.
Schmidt: Parkour!
Winston: (to Nick) You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her. I just have to be cooler than that guy.
Schmidt: Parkour! (jumping up) A wise man once foretold of a magical night where I would engage in non-sexual foreplay with a model, my friends. And tonight...
Nick: Don't say...
Schmidt: (together) ...is that night!

The next morning, as Cece showers off the drunk and man-sweat from her sweet, delicate, soft like a pillow-made-of-angels body, the boys gather in the gym sized bathroom that exists only in the land of TV. Cece sticks out her head from the shower and asks if the water gets any hotter.

Winston: (flustered) Guhhh, dudud do you want me uhhh... I mean I I could, if you, if you...
Nick: I can... I'm good at fixing... yeah, I'm good at fixing, also.

Jess comes in to rescue poor defenseless babe-in-the-woods Cece from the rape monsters. When Nick puts himself in a position to be touched by Cece, Jess is not happy.

Jess: I'm disappointed with all if you, especially you!
Nick: It was a bad moment...
Jess: (whispering) I thought you were better than that.
Nick: I know, I am, sometimes.
Jess leaves, allowing the real guy talk, that all the ladies miss in the real world when they leave the room, to commence.
Schmidt: Did you see that cleavage? I just wanna get my arm stuck down there. Like 127 HOURS style. And then, and then (makes a sawing motion on his arm) sssss, sssss, sssss. I'll just cut if for days. I don't care, I'll cut through the bone and nerve (makes a breaking sound).
Winston: Schmidt!

Meanwhile, Cece thinks Nick has a thing for Jess and implants the thought into Jess' brainz that he wants to make nekkid-time with her. This freaks Jess out and causes some hilarious overreaction from her anytime Nick does anything remotely nice, caring, or just not douchie. There is a pretty funny bit in a store where Jess is trying to get Nick to stop pointing his feet at her, since Cece explained it means he wants her.

Now back at the homestead, where the air makes you choke, and people don't know you, and trust is a joke, Cece is sunbathing on the roof and Winston decides to call into question Schmidt's ability to "close." Schmidt is frightened by the roof because of a cat that roams the area.

Winston: You mean to tell me you'll let a cat stop you from all that?
Schmidt: It's a bird cat, man. It's very dangerous. Look it up, double-rabies.

Eventually Nick does one too many almost nice things for Jess and she escapes his car and runs home alone, the wrong way, frightened that he wants to butt-sex-rape her or something. Who knows, really, since Jess' brain is a tad screwy in the cabeza. When she finally arrives home, she is disturbed by the amount of hotness exuding from her body.

Jess: His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time! Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.

When Nick returns he is very upset that Jess escaped his rape-plan, or something about being concerned for her safety, whichever. Cece still interprets this as romantic feelings and tells Jess she will talk to Nick about it. Jess refuses to let Cece do any such thing and they wrestle, then talk. That wrestling bit should really have gone on longer and gotten a lot hotter. Just sayin'.

As the girls talk out their feelings, Jess let's Cece know just how different they are.

Jess: I like moving slow! I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato-sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
Cece: OK, what did you just say?
Jess: You heard me, bitch!

Why can't I meet a girl this adorkable? WHY?!

In the end, Schmidt finally gets to sleep in the bed with Cece and they hold hands and some other shit happens.

If I had to score this episode, I would give it:

85 out of 100.

It was very funny in spots and Jess was sometimes adorable while also having a good amount of weird-annoying in her that added to the quirkiness. This was more Schmidt's episode as he tried to score some physical contact with a model. Nick and Jess continue their subtle will-they-won't-they with some wacky moments. It loses some points for not being as memorable as previous episodes and falling a bit flat in the awesomely quotable category.

Read More